Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
You Might Also Like
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow: