Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks š
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
HER: itās over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus wonāt work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
It doesnāt matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you theyāre thirsty.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Partyā
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: Youā¦spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uhā¦make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hmā¦eat marbles
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Iām really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
In case you donāt believe thereās any way your kidās stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]