Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!