ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.