THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.