THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
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My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.