Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
You Might Also Like
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
oh no, steve’s working tonight
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*