Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.