Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

You Might Also Like


George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”


HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking


“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.


[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.


ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.


18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.


How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.


So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.


The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.


People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.