Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*looks at you in batman voice*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.