it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
![]()
You Might Also Like
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.