Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter