The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Breaking news:
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
A dad and his duck