Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Stop.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
So the ex texted me
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.