Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
What?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it