fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
They’re on their honeymoon
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
This is painfully accurate 😅
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move