I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.