Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Yup!
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.