[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Holy shit he’s back
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie