I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no