Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
You Might Also Like
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
#titanic
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know