OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Thrilling chase underway
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest