Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.