WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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My love language is deader than Latin
I gave up going to work for lent.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.