WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Body by Oreos