Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
You Might Also Like
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!