If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola