{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.