I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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I already tried new things thanks.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.