There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
time for some seasonal decor
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me