Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums