Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
You Might Also Like
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
A little too much information.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.