Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.