My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
when nothing goes right… go left
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.