I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel