Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.