Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
You Might Also Like
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does