Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.