You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
No chill.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”