I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign