[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see