*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
who wore it better?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
his wife is probably gonna see that