WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Dietest Coke
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
thanks auntie mary
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine