Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Trying
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing