Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Dune (2021)
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Breaking news:
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it