Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You Might Also Like
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”