My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO