Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Bring back the McRib
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue