imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My favorite female superhero
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
#Caturday