Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
this chia pet tastes awful
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*