Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.