DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I only treason on days ending in y
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week